UnShackled

The Crystal Ball , that costs me a 100 dreams!

2011-02-23T17:52:00.002+05:30

To know that an unwrapped gift has a book you'll never read would be so boring...

To know that the man you love flirting with is going to get gay real soon would break your heart...

To know that the man you look upto, worked his way up sleeping around, would make this world a really bad place..

To know your favourite love song was written as a devotional number would disgust you...

But I do want to know if I'm ever going to get the book I always wanted to read...

But I do want to know if I'm ever going to get that man to choose me over his partner...

But I do want to know if I'm ever going to get to where my hero is and yet keep it a clean road...

But I do want to know if I'm ever going to sing my own song and make it work...

Knowing the future may be scary and all too boring...but I do want to know if i will be able to turn it around to where i see it going?

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What we need is not the will to believe, but the wish to find out.

Sometimes I think...But then I don't know!

2010-07-07T16:45:00.003+05:30

Sometimes...I think you re the one and that if it happens, we would really last... and I break into a smile…
But then I hear you laughing and the girl right next to you is smiling too…
Our eyes meet for a split second and I see a glint in there that makes me want to be with you till you're eighty...
But then you turn around and fix your hair, talking about the most fleeting fad this season...

Sometimes when I look away filled with thoughts, I think you read my mind...
But then you look around...like you're lost and settle down back to the video game you were playing…
Sometimes looking for something… you pause to find it casually lying on my desk and you borrow it with a mumble...
I struggle to find the right words to take it back from you…only to see you absent-mindedly pass it on to someone else…

Sometimes...I want you to think that I am the best girl you ever met in this life...
But then I want you to know that maybe someday even this won't be enough...!
Sometimes...I want to be chosen over the most important thing in your life...
But then maybe someday when you do that...I would weep coz after all, there was a choice to make...!
Sometimes... I want you to see my imperfections and look beyond them like nothings different...
But then maybe someday I would expect you to convince me of your lie that there really is nothing different...

Sometimes I want to believe that you know that a lot can be said in the most subtle ways...
But then I dont know if they would be enough to sustain us through the walk...
Sometimes I want to believe that you would the day the water tastes sweeter, that somethings changed...
But then I dont know if you would know what to do when you realize...

Sometimes I think we see the same things when we walk the same road...
But then I dont know if you're also wondering where does this road lead?
Sometimes I think we're two different people sitting silent at two opposite ends of the long table...
But then I dont know if this is the silence we've been craving for from our chaotic lives...

Sometimes I think...
But then I dont know...

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"Another turning point;a fork stuck in the road.Time grabs you by the wrist ; directs you where to go...

It's something unpredictablebut in the end it's right.I hope you had the time of your life!"

My Mind has a Mind of its Own!

2010-06-02T18:57:00.003+05:30

Everything will be perfect. Its an ideal world. The last bus to your destination will wait till you get in and the best job in that want is custom-made for you. I am a dreamer. And they are not merely my thoughts, wishes or desires - which any and every lay man may have. These are, but, experiences. I love my mind to just 'flow' to the ideas of the 'ideal world' - one that is created by you and you alone. Its as if, you're given your own 5 acres of land in the woods and you paintbrush all elements of beauty that you want to put in for your happiness. There is just a different joy in knowing what makes you happy and doing it over and over again. For that moment of happiness - you think of no one but yourself.

When was that moment for you that made you happy - really really happy? Like when you kicked your shoe off in your room and just danced to a song that was never playing out loud? Happy with the person that you are. Happy with the life that you have. Happy with the way you live it.

So, whats wrong in being a dreamer? I am one. And a big one at that. I confess. Yes it is the ideal world - the 'dream world' as you may call it. So what? Yes, not every moment translates to one of reality. Not every dream would come true. But till that reality breaks in, why cant one go on dreaming? The image of this game often crosses my mind where everyone must carry the lemon on the spoon, holding it between their teeth - to reach the final line the fastest. Sometimes I feel I'm one of them, but leading the race. And as I keep walking faster balancing the spoon - I pass those who failed to make it, laughing out loud and shouting 'What a stupid game!' But I try and figure it all out in my head as I go on walking. I am the one in the front and they arnet. It might just be a stupid game - a stupid belief - but face it, they'll never really know how it is to win it and get the 'stupid' prize home! Well...years down the line, even I may find it stupid - but thats it! Till that moment when I really do - Why stop walking? Why stop the game? Why stop feeling happy?

"You belong to a different era" - I've heard this before. Maybe I do. And as I meet more people of 'this era', the more 'different' I feel. But I take pride in it. I would not cut my hair just to know how it feels to be looking crazily-different to the world at large! But I would wear white and dance in the rain when all by myself! There are things I would never do - knowing that I should or am supposed to do - like find out the most eligible bachelor and introduce myself to him at the party. But then there are things that I do and religiously follow which nobody in 'today's era' believes in..

So you can well imagine what my 'dreamland' is like! It was created by my imagination some 10 to 12 years back...and today I sometimes think, if the life I live today looks even a bit like the 'dream' I envisioned for myself when I would be 24...? As I keep treading on, trying to make all my dreams come true - Newer, fresher and larger dreams get woven. And its almost like its not even in my control - my mind has a mind of its own! And so the dreamer in me will never die till the mind in me keeps striving on to make those dreams a reality!

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"If it is to be, it is up to me."

THE WOODS ARE LOVELY, DARK AND DEEP...

2010-01-24T12:35:00.008+05:30

...But I HAVE PROMISES TO KEEP AND MILES TO GO BEFORE I SLEEP, MILES TO GO BEFORE I SLEEP.

In a city full of people with the same dreams who share the road with you every evening, some you over look while some obstruct your pace. In the hustle bustle and chaos of what they call ‘the fast life’ of Bombay, amidst the glitz and the glamour, in every rented house... lies a pack of dreams – rusting away to the struggle of making it somewhere. Somewhere in the eyes of this fake world or perhaps somewhere in the eyes of your parents.. Somewhere in your own eyes or somewhere in the long inexplicable stares of your patronizing boss. Its almost every day that one battles these questions, of ‘What If?’. Its like a reserve of a 100 coins slipping away every day leaving you with little option to enjoy each expense as you keep worrying what happens when all is gone?

So what is it about this city, this life, this pain that makes us stay longer, battle it all out, get up yet again with the same passion? It is, the same feeling that we felt when we would play Hide and seek as kids hours and hours in the sun only to experience the joy of that one moment when you would win. The dark corner and the solitude wouldn’t scare us, it would be the thrill and the chase of winning the game that kept us going. Day after day, hours of sweat and thumping hearts... we would love this game.

Scores of films and novels and columns have been written on staying alone in Bombay – this city of unending dreams where some fall in love with this city while some simply fall in love. The film ends with a beautiful song in the rains of the city and tells us of a happy ending. Well, which is precisely the reason why it is to be enjoyed in those 3 hours of comfortable theatre velvet and come back to what is real and your own. Some how these 3 hours of the film seems to be stretching over 80 years of your own life, where this is perhaps the ophase right before or after the intermission. The phase where things change. Story shifts, new protagonists enter, hero develops to do something he’s never done before, the heroine rebels home. .. All happens in that one ‘usual day’ of morning tea, day in office, evening with friends and the night alone.

Yet it is this very drama that unfolds in those subtle ways every day, often unsettling, that causes you to want to steer this film in a new direction. For it to have a new ending, every day. Somewhere lying unnoticed beneath the crumpled clothes, forever buzzing mobile phones, house lease papers and job contracts, lies a passion enveloped by a halo of a dream that crawls up in your bed beside you every night- showing you a vision so beautiful, a dream so achieve-able, a target so close...that every morning you wake up with enthusiasm renewed.

And as you go on sharing the sidewalks with those with the same dreams, you don’t seem to mind. And suddenly the noisy chaos of what they call ‘the fast life of the city’, the loud screeches of vehicles and conversations doesn’t seem to bother you. The loud music buzzing from those night clubs and cars doesn’t amaze you... as this city looks the same as it did when you came in. Nothing around you changed. What's different is, today you’re not looking around or are ears to the mad sounds of this city. You’re treading along the same path, humming your own beautiful song...

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"Youth is, after all, just a moment, but it is the moment, the spark, that you always carry in your heart."

True happiness lies in the MOST SIMPLE JOYS OF LIFE

2009-12-17T22:54:00.004+05:30

Speaking to Mom and Dad kissing them goodnight over telephone miles away makes me truly happy.

Genuine Appreciation from my bosses on what I put sweat on makes my day.

A genuine compliment from anyone early in the day makes me smile.

A long heartfelt email from my best friends – the first thing i read in the day, makes me smile.

A romantic film packed with goose bumpy emotional scenes makes me sigh.

Great weather makes me happy.

Cool breeze blowing on my face makes me forget my worries.

A long walk with great music makes me happy.

The idea of sharing delicious pasta / coffee with a great friend after a hectic day of work makes me smile.

Calling your friend, bursting with gossip, to know she’s been meaning to tell you loads too just makes me laugh out loud!

A cup of hot tea after a heavy meal with nothing else to worry about makes me feel at ease.

Wrapping gifts for someone you love, not knowing how she’s going to react to them makes my heart race.

Waking up in the morning to find your hair smooth and bouncy makes my day.

On a random conversation, remembering the most foolish and funniest memories of kids with my sister, laughing our heads off – makes me so happy.

Pedicure after a long window shopping session makes me feel good about myself.

Benetton trial rooms make me happy!

Watching a flick and looking forward to someone great beside me someday, arm to arm makes me blush!

Waking up at my regular 8 am alarm only to realize it’s a Sunday instantly makes me happy!

Random plans of partying the night out makes me jump!

Star gazing (with no signs of mosquitoes) on a pleasant night makes me dreamy.

Terribly bored and flipping channels, finding my favourite movie that’s just begun makes me happy.

A photogenic picture of mine makes me happy.

A smile from a stranger makes me happy.

My religious bend of mind makes me proud of myself. (Esp after a well –kept fast).

Throwing dinners / get togethers / parties at my house – making sure my guests find comfort when they stay with me – makes me happy.

Long emails make me happy!

Someone guessing me to be younger than what I am makes me happy.

Soulful music makes me dreamy.

A good night and a good morning message make me happy!

Friends and long conversations with them make me happy!

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" If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it. "

Pursuit of Happyness.

2009-11-29T11:06:00.002+05:30

As the film quite clearly establishes – beyond a point in life, Happiness IS to be pursued and well even when it is, it’s not always the right spelling!

As we’re young, there’s almost nothing that we’re required to do be happy – the word then is ‘security’. We need security and get it in the arms of loved ones. Growing up, definitions of being ‘happy’ change with time – from being the popular one in school, to having a boy friend, to movies, latest dress and haircuts, getting good grades, getting the best mobile, getting into a good college and well perhaps from here is when the ‘Pursuit’ begins.

You enter twenties. You begin to define ‘happiness’. What does it really translate for you?
You meet different people, you return home to look at yourself in the mirror and a hazy reflection begins to form – Identity crisis happens and before you know, college pretty much redefines you into An individual. You become YOU. Beliefs, attitude, personality emerges. You discover that this is what i like and what i don’t – and begin to be okay with it. But once you are found by you, you begin to search for happiness. What makes you happy and how long does that really last. I say this as happiness may be found in the first guy you fell in love with and thought were soul mates but you realize how long this new found happiness really lasts when you also have your first heart break.

You grow up. Worse, you realize it. Then as if all of a sudden, you need to give yourself challenges, goals, ambitions – not to really prove the world who you are, but almost innately, to know for yourself who you really are. At this point – mid twenties, you perhaps take your first step outside home. Look around this new world of independence.

You guessed it would be hard – like a sparrow flying out from home nest to test her wings. Well, it was hard. You missed home. You missed the mother sparrow feeding you Cerelac J But true to your ‘time’ you are giving yourself these challenges. So you’d know if you’ll crack it. This is perhaps the ‘struggle’ in each one’s life – when they stand on their two feet and step out of their dome to in search for their own goals, knowing they need not do it – they could be as they are, but something – maybe the twenty years put in to find who they are, prompts them to go and test their limits. To let the eagles soar above them and not be fascinated.

This is the point in life for me. My questions. My answers. My judgements. My decisions. My mistakes. My regrets. My goals. My restlessness. My choices. My repercussions. Every day is a new day. But it remains MY DAY and what I make of it.

And while I am busy making my own world away from this one, The question of happYness stays steamed out on the glass of my mirror. But as i clear the steam away, I see in the mirror, the Pursuit to this Mis-spelt word that is going to drive me along the day. And I figure why. Why happiness begins to be pursued and every night as we close our eyes, we know if we really found it.
The pursuit of Happyness – you don’t need to be a poor nigger in a racist New Yorkian country with a broken marriage and a three year old son asking questions to really know what this flick was all about. At the core of this film, lies what is basic to each one of us when we face our time. Pursuit. To our own happiness.
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One must have chaos within oneself in order to give rise to a dancing star!

MOMENTS IN TIME

2009-05-01T14:02:00.003+05:30

THE LAST PHOTOGRAPH ON THE LAST PAGE OF MY PHOTO ALBUM..
THAT READS 'GROWING UP..'

AND THE SONG THAT THE ALBUM OPENS UP WITH...

'Another turning point;a fork stuck in the road.

Time grabs you by the wrist;directs you where to go.

So make the best of this testand don't ask why.

It's not a questionbut a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable...but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind.

Hang it on a shelf In good health and good time...

Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial.

For what it's worth,it was worth all the while...

It's something unpredictable...but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable...but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable...but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

'A SCORPION THAT WILL STING'

2009-03-30T05:35:00.007+05:30

"Faint heart never won a Scorpio female. It takes a man who knows exactly what he wants to hold his ground against a woman born under this sign.

Scorpio woman is very emotional, very affectionate, and very demanding. She is not interested in a light flirtation or a bed for the night. Neither does she believe in sharing. Any man who thinks it isn’t necessary to sign a treaty just because he’s having an affair would do well to avoid getting involved with a Scorpio female. She believes in treaties with irrevocable caluses and lots of fine print spelling out just what you can’t do.

How does she get away with being so possessive and jealous? Because she is a marvlous, fascinating, irresistable woman– exciting in the bedroom, entertaining in the living room. She carries with her an enticing air of mystery. She can drive a man to the brink of despair and with a gesture summon him back to the heights of happiness.

There is no in-between with this explosive female. With any other woman of the zodiac, you can work out some sort of compromise about who has rights and who has suffered wrongs. Not with her. You have to knuckle under and make the best of your bargain, or settle for living in the middle of a permanent earthquake.

Love is very important to her, and she can turn on enough magnetism to attract any man. If a man is really special, she is willing to play the role of aggressor. Her dynamo starts to whir as soon as her remarkable intuitions tell her that this man is someone she’ll be happy with. Her intuitions are rarely wrong. She is gifted with the ability to penetrate into hidden secrets of human nature.

Scorpio is a water sign, and like all the water signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) this woman is very susceptible to the feelings of others. Her most intense desire is for a close, committed union. In a relationship she cannot bear coldness or casualness or a feeling that she is being shunted aside. When she is in love she is at her most vulnerable, for then a lover can hurt her without even knowing it. Another woman might forgive and forget, but when a Scorpio woman is hurt she will always strike back. If necessary, she will destroy.

However, despite what you’ve heard about Scorpio’s willful, passionate nature, she is a faithful mate to the man she chooses for her own. Hers is a fixed sign, and she possesses an enduring capacity for loyalty. A man could not have a fiercer ally. If a Scorpio woman loves you, she will defend and protect you with her dying breath. What she demands is constancy–what she offers is fidelity. "

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"She is possessive, but most men with a Scorpio woman in their lives will tell you they want nothing more than to be possessed by her."

Drunk dreams make music to my (y)ears!

2009-01-26T10:48:00.007+05:30

All of us who blog - blog to somehow vent our thoughts out. We all have friends to talk to, we do but then I guess its not always the right person, the right moment or the right thought.

One;s entire life can be summed up in one line, as I sit and think - 'Chasing my dreams'. From getting the sports barbie to getting a five digit salary - finding your true love to getting the best college for your kid. You chase your dreams the minute you're born. How strange. The life that you live day in and day out - is real - you can touch and feel the sweat tickle down your spine, the blood that runs through - as against the illusion of a vision that you see as you sleep - the dreams that you weave. Noone knows if your vision even truly exists. Noone can sit down and tell you - yes you will be the CEO one day. But you go on, chasing, dreaming, panting - telling yourself 'ill make it happen'.

You promise yourself a hundered things every night and cajole your self to sleep. But the next day when you're faced with the world that's real - a realization hits you that maybe - not all the promises you made will come true. Maybe that mirror lies to you everytime it shows you a face that you unquestionably accept as your own. Maybe destiny has other plans. What do you do then? You try and find a place in this real world that will still foster your dreams. That won't judge you by your eccentric dreamworld that you're trying to realize in this reality. People resort to music, alcohol, love - things that drug you; make you forget that there was ever a line between whats real and what isnt.

I find an uncanny similarity in of alcohol, music, falling in love and chasing dreams. All have to do with creating a world different than your own and you believe you'll make it - you ll live it. This world is only known to you and noone else. One that makes you be what you really are. Alcohol gives you the illusion of being in a world which is what you make it to be! Music is SOUND that connects one man to the inner feelings of the other. It's sound but it will connect two souls without a word spoken. Love is a feeling that gives you the confidence that no matter what you do in life - there is someone you can always go to - when the worst strikes and the skies fall. Someone will keep their little hut warm and take you in as it pours all night. And dreams - intangible, unreal - they make you believe that the pulse in your vein beats for a purpose that you are set out to acheive - that all you do is worth something beautiful that will come to you some day. All you need to do is close your eyes and see. Whatever you see then is what you can achieve.

'Such is life' they say - You dream you wake up to wish that dream turns real. And well, right now - you're chasing it. You're chasing a lot of things you ve only imagined never felt.

Am doing that too - my dreams are drunk, they fall in and out of love with me - and this is my music in the silence of my inside!

Today I know - My Drunk dreams will always make music to my (y)ears!

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'They are not long, the weeping and the laughter,

Love and desire and hate:

I think they have no portion in us after

We pass the gate.

They are not long, the days of wine and roses:

Out of a misty dream

Our path emerges for a while,

then closesWithin a dream.'

Waiting ...yes I'm still waiting.

2008-10-14T03:11:00.012+05:30

They say its a 'phase' of life. You grow up. You did - and suddenly you feel like you wished time would stop and you'd go back to where you were - confused, identity less and YOU. Sadly, time's ticked by and you;ve suddenly started to bother about getting your dad a new cell phone rather than changing the themes of your own. Yep time ticked by, and before i knew it - my internship suddenly seemed to carry so much more weightage than all those hugs that waited for me back home..

My folks called, i discussed - my career, my plans, my moves - all of those that led me anything but near them - and they agreed. They encouraged. I think none of us realized how much we missed each other - they were lost in making me who they thought i wanted to be, while i was busy becoming who i think iwant to be. None of it makes sense - but i kept treading along this path of goals, ambitions, success trying to find myself along the way. But the farther i travelled, the deeper the forest became - the tired my soles got, the faster my pulse. But when i stopped to look around, i saw noone behind me. The thrill of getting this far all alone was somehow getting dissolved in the sweat of my run - which left me wondering why isnt there anyone around to hold me as i staggered...

And then as i went along that dark forest, and the meadows got darker, the sun began to set - i kept running and saw this beautiful bonfire - alive with men and women - so many people -each that seemed something like me. They welcomed me, held me, offered me rest for a while and as i sat with them looking at the stars - it became midnight and they offered me to sleep the night. The star faded away as i got up - confused but apparently confident of resuming my run again - I wanted to cross this forest to be the other end - hoping ,dreaming - that is where lies my destiny and that is where ill finally rest. Perhaps buy my folks happiness. And myself - incidentally.

And so the fun ends and i begin to pace again - sweating staggering. No there is no end. Am still walking that forest, sometimes scared, sometimes fascinated...but forever wondering how come noone followed me from that bonfire just to know where i was headed? Did noone that i spoke to wondered who i really was beyond what i told them to be? Does it strike nobody that i could be staring at a star that never was? Walking a forest that has no end?

I keep looking back as i walk - i never stop. But i see noone. And so i walk alone. Moments pass, memories haunt - i smile, i sing, i stagger , i sigh.. and i go on. Running to reach the other end - awaiting my destiny the other end - not knowing which way will lead me to it, not knowing, perhaps it is my journey that is my destiny and there is no other end. And so i keep looking back, to see if someone followed me - without a question, without a sound..if someone cared to Really know me after they knew me all.

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'My first step...shall be to lose the way. '

Choosing to deny all choices I ever made

2008-04-22T12:27:00.003+05:30

Who decides what’s black and what’s white? Who decides black is dark and white isn’t? Who decides what Is immoral and what’s not? If I stole some money from a rich man’s wallet, id be penalized but if I used it to buy some bread for a hungry nursing mother on the road – well, id still be penalized. It’s not because they still think I did wrong, it’ll be because they don’t know WHO did wrong. Who to blame and who is the reason that nursing mother will sleep hungry for nights. The problem is, some of us with voices loud enough to penetrate a mass shouted some rules a decade ago, that all of us nodded our heads to and now nobody knows why should we be following them.

Why should we follow rules? Who lays them? Who decides the fate of an individual that I believe is predestined. Could you choose to be born in a home without a thatch? Could you choose to hit or not hit a policeman who robbed you and raped your sister? Can we choose to not rely on to the ‘supernatural’ when someone beloved lies heavily breathing in that I.C.U? Do we really have choices? Yet would it mean, the roofless man is a low class bugger staying in a dingy apartment; the man who hit the cop in self defense is a criminal and that because a man lies in the ICU – his mother necessarily believes in the power of God? No. It simply means – life did not give them enough choices to do what THEY wanted, without being labeled.

How many times did you close your bedroom door and shout out loud – ITS MY LIFE. Why can’t I possibly do what I want? – Religion, caste, colour, morality, creed, family, age ... No bar. Simply because they are MY decisions and I am perhaps bound to do them this way or that. The point is, why do we go on living “governed” by these rules and regulations made by man? Why don’t we live free? Why should a man pass a beggar on the street and pay him and move on – will it be really weird a sight if he, instead got out in the rain and hugged that little girl in his arms and wiped rain off her face? It would be. Simply because he was not ‘supposed’ to do that. Who’s defining these lines of ‘fake suppositions’ while we’re sleeping? - Because it almost seems like we’ve woken up to some predefined ROLE that we’re to fit in. A cobbler will gamble, a girl will scar, a mother will fret, a lover will stroll – things that cannot be silenced and policed.
Choices – what choice do I have in a room that has a stylized sofa, a plasma TV, a heavy wallet and ready-to-eat pasta cheese? What choice have I left for myself in a house that screams ‘LIVE THIS WAY’. Would I never be happy (possibly happier) in a small little hut with 2 bananas a meal and hay to sleep on? Would I never see myself in the mirror again if I noticed my nose was broken? I would. But would I be happy? Maybe not – because iv gotten so used to perfect pictures of perfect Cindy Crawford’s and the perfect aaahs of people around me, that quite understandably I d look rather ugly in a world that calls a woman ‘beautiful’ standing 3o meters away from her. Choices? Hell, no.

Let ME ask those who made these rules a question this time. “Are you today who you Really wanted to be?” - And you know, I believe in giving them choices. So, a) Yes b) No and c) I don’t know/remember exactly who I wanted to be (I think somewhere in between being myself and being who I m ‘supposed’ to be, I’ve lost myself) – and no I, unlike LIFE will not penalize you for going for the last option. Because they are choices for REAL. Those who said YES are so complacent already, they’ve probably stopped wanting , dreaming to be something more. Those who said NO are poor victims of these societal norms and lay surrendered. Those who opt for the last option are like me, still struggling – wondering to themselves “Why isn’t the mask given to me, fitting my face?” ...standing clueless amidst a sea of masked faces.

“Don't you ever wonder maybe if you took a left turn instead of a right you could be somewhere different?”

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2007-09-18T17:07:00.000+05:30

LIVING TO THE POINT OF BREATHLESSNESS!

Its true that when u live a certain way, you’re used to that life, you see it differently, you peep in and see that the water is blue and the waves are thunderous... but when you’re flown away while you were sleeping, into a different world, a different space and when your eyes open you realize This is your world. To adjust your eyes to your new self, even your reflection in the mirror doesn’t look the same anymore. But then you look at the same blue green water and suddenly you can see a zillion living forms that breathe under that water, their entire world that thronged right below your feet, something you never noticed before. Perhaps because you could never see it. Now you do.

Its true. What a change of place, just a literal shift of location can really change the way you look at things. Your perspective on yourself, redefine what you want from life. Sitting on a flight, have you ever peeped outside the windows, seen those humungous clouds and asked yourself, what lies ahead? If this journey was etched in those lines of my palm? Hell no, we never go this philosophical on a simple flight well do we?

But as we step down the flight steps exiting the airport of a completely new place, leaving your folks behind, your room…your bed that you so made it your own with all those funny looking pillows and hair bands tied to different corners...your pals...hell, your life. Settled life. With 1.5 hours of some manmade machine that flies on air, you’ve been torn away from all that you called ‘Yours’ to a new place you’re yet to shake hands with and introduce yourself to, let alone make friends with. I step into a barren flat. Walls that stare back at me every time I call out to my own self... no one was around anyway. The room that I pick will be my new room. Bed...yes there will be my bed; I’ll try and recreate the magic that will make me want to dream before I close my eyes on this one. I move about ferociously setting a few objects that I carried from my earlier home into this one...trying to make it seem ‘my own’. Mum dad sister... god… everything was settled in place. My pillows…those hair bands… I managed to get them all. But did it still feel ‘home’? You got it. It got dirty on busy days, but there were no motherly shrieks that demanded an instant clean up accompanied with predictions of my doomed married life…there were no thrown chocolate wrappers that reminded me of my dad who’d just produce them out of nowhere any given time of the day…here was my god, but no bells ringing early morning… yes every day I missed ‘home’ in my home. But we have what they show in those K serials… death in family, back to red saree and red earrings the next morning at the breakfast table. Resilience. Adaptability.

As months passed, I adapted. Chocolates were bought, by me. Wrappers were thrown. My roomie did shriek when I messed it all up…Seemed like my home but characters had changed, dialogues were different and the script too was totally different. I was slogging day and night…and funny but I realize as I sit typing this, that its only when you’re in complete shit of things, busy, helter-skelter and hotchpotch when you hatch the prettiest of dreams, the strongest of goals, the softest of fantasies…and so as I slogged day in and day out, my aching legs made me dream. And I dreamt of all those things that almost always came easy to me when I stayed with family. And now as I lay staring at the sky from my room window I realize, miles and miles away, this is what I’ve probably been sent to do. To dream. Dream the unreal…and make it true.

Funny is it not, a reality check in every sense is just making me dream…bigger, larger, sweeter.
A change of place and lifestyle has changed the way I look at myself today. I stand alone yes I do, but I stand holding my positivity, my beliefs, and my dreams close to me…right where my family stood just months back. The scene’s changed…I think this is a new phase of my life - When the sparrow flies away from its nest. But I’m going to fly back, with a zillion more grains of cereal in my beak than my father sparrow ever fed me.

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“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”

DYING SUN

2007-06-01T21:05:00.000+05:30

Sinners pray
Cross rusts
Hand shakes
That blessed the cursed

Fingers point
Bullets fire
Dying man
Counts money at pyre

Ties break
Trust deceives
Honest man
in Death believes

Laughter echos
Tears dry
Silence throbs
As you scream Why?

Lay bleeding
Life you shun
With fluttering eyelids
Watch the dying sun…

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"It runs in every vein ..the blood. But having to wake up every morning and see it oozing out, does it really remind you that you're alive?"

PAY A PRICE...FOR BEING YOURSELF

2007-05-22T16:25:00.000+05:30

Whats Self respect? How do we define it? At times like these, i think its nothing but a word we attach to ourselves every time we're scared of doing something, we're really tempted too.
The dictionary defines it as respect for one;s character and dignity. That's right. But who respects it really?.. I am a self respecting girl, that's great. But does it work if i keep saying it to myself everyday over and over again every time that i feel tempted to sin? I'll lay my hands off the temptation and say this mantra over and again but is it really going to work?

Okay ill start from the beginning...

When we were kids, we believed in Santa.. well okay, we were 'made' to believe in Santa, that he comes at night and gives you gifts on Christmas and that's how you'll know you've been good. We loved to hear that tale over and again simply because as kids, we just loved to know that someone unknown with a bag full of goodies (that we were always craving for) will just generously drop it off to us without a question. We liked that feeling, it made us happy. So we believed. And well, because we believed, our parents probably did act a bit crazy and slip in those chocolates under our pillows. And that's how.. well at least i, have grown up. - Believing in things and hoping that they'd come true..if nothing else, they will only Because iv so truly believed in them.

"The thing always happens that you really believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen."

Sparks do fly, Love happens at first sight and there is something called Telepathy. And then of course, there is God who i talk to. All these are notions that have no logical reasoning's and yet i believe in them. They happen they don't, but you go on believing. Maybe coz they give you some inner peace.. just as i said a few days back, praying gives us a sense of peace that yes it'll be all okay. The same way..if i am really apprehensive about the guy I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, i will just lay back to 'love at first sight' and sit back waiting for it to happen!
"It doesn't work this way, you're too dreamy eyed to be real!" - Was that you who jerked me up? Yes, iv heard those a whole lot of times before.. but isn't belief much more than just escaping the problems within? I Believe coz i know it'll happen. Because if i really want something and i don't know if ill get it, i start believing i will :) .. that's some psychology isn't it.

But then that means i wait for sparks to fly.. i wait to see those broken stars and make a wish.. and i wait for god to talk back - and time will kill it all. There come weak moments when things i believe in, don't happen and am pushed back to the real world, where everything is all too practical, where people go by black and white - where its all in your hands and your hands are all you got. That scares me. If everything is in your control and you someday have all the answers to everything, then where will the mysteries be? What will we dream about? :)
Okay, yes i digress. Who knows half my blog entries are nothing but digressions. But hey, am coming to the point..if you've lost interest already, there's no way you'll pull through till the end of the entry.

Weak moments come, when faith shakes. And you realize you're holding but a stone carved idol in your hand who will Not talk back. Coz it isn't alive.. moments when you know Telepathy was nothing but a desperate moment when you wished you'd speak to your best pal and 'coincidentally' she called. Weak moments and your faith will sway. And you'll doubt it all - all those things you always believed in. And I'm in one of those. Sadly, this is but a weak moment...

Self respect is a quality iv always admired in people, always tried to imbibe.. but i guess, who're we doing it all for? If i consciously choose not to go down the lowest rung of dignity to get my hands on my promotion, iv stuck by my principles. Yet who have i done this for? Who's really noticed? Who's deserved this? Iv stuck to something i believed in, but at the end of it all - am i happy down there? Why is it that i have saved myself from sinning and yet i see i haven't quite got what i wanted. Self respecting woman. ..Who respects her? Who even recognizes the fact that she is one? Liberated and happier are those, who just get out there and grab what they want, the instant they want it! The carnal instincts within them - they get up and grab it. They don't believe in things - they hear their heart out and get them!

I on the other hand remain saddled with my beliefs, my weak moments and my strong ones. I am self respecting, but now i doubt if it really matters? All that will ever matter, is that you be happy, inside out. How is it then that i bury the temptation, listening to the 'self respecting' girl in me only to realize, i let go of an instinct that could've made me happier. I sit all self respecting and head held high. But does anyone even care? And will it even make a difference?
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"I care not so much what I am to others as what I am to myself. I will be rich by myself, and not by borrowing."

HAPPINESS - OUT IN STORES NOW!

2007-03-19T11:43:00.000+05:30

I was walking down the lane to my place when this flourescent poster struck my eye, all it read was " 'Happiness'- 0ut on Stores now' and it took hours for me to reach home, just a few blocks down the lane. And all this while i thought. and thought. You know there are times when you like to be alone, not in the loner-kind-of-way but because thoughts come to you then, than you going to them you know...when it all begins from a germ of a thought and they involuntarily just kind of build up, one leads to another and you're soon caught in the maze of things when suddenly something strikes you again - from the external world and you get to a conclusion...That's what happened to me, yesterday.

I had been thinking for the past many days on why I wasn't happy. No I am innately a happy content being, nothing to doubt that, but well I've recently achieved something. Something i had aimed for, made plans for, been apprehensive about, dreamt of, lost sleep on...and well i had achieved it. On merit. But i wasn't happy. Well you know, you find out that you've done it and yes there are jubilations, screams, woohoos and hugs and you smile. But thats not the kind of happiness I'm talking about - the kind when you're smiling to yourself when alone, when everything just seems good - even an autorikshaw ride just makes you happy and sing, you begin to notice the weather - the winds, let your hair down on a bike without worrying of dandruff! :) you know - INNER HAPPINESS. It was missing. And i wondered why. I chatted with my bestest friend on msn everyday and just the same question - i was happy alright, but i never shut my bedroom door and danced to akon! i never screamed my lungs out and did a cartwheel! So though i was happy, i wasn't TRULY HAPPY. why? I couldn't put my finger on it!

And so my brain did all sorts of thinking and i dug and dug into my mental state of mind and repeatedly asked my self, whats wrong? And yesterday it struck me. The problem was, everything was JUST RIGHT. That was the problem. Let me explain.
It was one rainy day when i chatted hours with my bestest pal and we discussed our ambitions, our wildest fantasies, our craziest demands from life...and how we going to get there exactly. We made our bubbles, burst them on our own and traced ways to achieve them in real life. It was fun...There soon came pointers or what we called it later 'goals' and 'mini goals' of life. It was all on paper - at 21, at 25, and post marriage...we didn't bother to see beyond that tag :) , you see it's just too unpredictable after that. But yes that also meant, we hardly had time to plan our lives. Everything had to be achieved...quickly and on time! That meant putting your heart and soul and focusing totally on whats at hand. And boy, we did it...i achieved the first step of what i had to and she's well on her way to her first too. But you know what? Thats where i think i volunteered to put my happiness up on the shelves ..for sale :)
I planned my life out. One by one, what to do what not to do. No risks, no downs, no losses. Everything was planned (Man, why am i sounding like Akshay Kumar of Ajnabee? - thats a bolly flick, let it be am just too filmy to stick on my own thoughts sometimes) And thats why when i cracked my 12th boards and cracked them well, my 'Things to do' read like :

1) Shopping (Makeover)

2) Night outs

3) Hair cut (Makeover)

4) Night stay at Swati's

5) Get driving license

6) Get CD player
And well 3 years down the line, today too i have something to rejoice on..but my 'Things to do' today reads like:

1) Accommodation at new city

2) Plan finances

3) Get driving license

4) Laptop for college
and well it ends there. Try and ignore the fact that i still haven't got my driving license, thats not the point. The point is, well Why have i stopped doing all the things i loved to do when i was in school? Why have i stopped looking at every Saturday Sunday, like i looked at them when i was in school? - 2 days to live life! I've grown up, i have. But i don't like it anymore. My life is all too planned out! No wonder I've stopped feeling 'truly happy' at small things anymore - hell i cant even stop labeling achievements 'big' and 'small'! I'm corporatizing!!
The answer to my problem is simple - I have too many goals put by me, as i cross every stage the true happiness of any achievement dies out as apprehension to achieve my next, more bigger goals hits me! Just like, we forget to be happy when we sit on a bicycle and ride it all by ourselves when we keep thinking when am i going to ride it single handedly! It'll always happen - its natural. The moment you plan your life.. school - college - job - good job -...! the transition from school to college and college to job will just not be a WOW I DID IT! it'll be too mechanical! Too 'yes i did it, now for the next'! I don't know if i quite make sense here, but i can tell you because its happening to me right now. I've been plagued by it. This disease called 'AMBITION' AND 'GOAL' AND 'FOCUS' - hell its all good - but man you just stop feeling happy over small things like taking your friends out to dinner and paying for it!! :) You stop feeling happy for 'Hey you're smart, you figured it out!' 'Hey you looking nice today' 'Congratulations, i knew you'd do it' - compliments that come our way everyday. We smile for a brief second and there, its gone. We're growing up - yes. But why are we leaving our kid-hood behind? Why doesn't ice cream at 2 am make me giggle and laugh? Because am worried of waking up early morn next day for work?? Dam you! Dam you adult-hood! You snatched my happiness away!!
Look at the pic i put for this blog. What'll strike you about her is not her age, but her smile...it comes from within her. I'd give dreams of a thousand CEO's today to be HER when...when i grow up - TRULY HAPPY.
And that fluorescent paper that caught my eye was my own blog head...and i still sit here thinking.. caught in a maze of thoughts - times when EVERYTHING RIGHT IN LIFE CAN ALSO MAKE A WRONG...People with problems in life should really not be unhappy you know, sometimes even a frown you see in the mirror can make you laugh out loud... but a perfect life will mean the same face in the mirror day after day... the mirror will rust and true happiness will have to be Bought!

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

UNDERSTANDING G.O.D

2007-02-16T14:39:00.000+05:30

If you could hear my thoughts, without me having ever spoken them?If every person you saw at a distance,you knew and knew how he felt at that particular moment? Would you dismiss me if i told you, you would know, really really know when you met the love of your life.

Chances are you probably will dismiss me. But trust me such plaguing thoughts wouldn't end with a click of the mouse. You've already entered a room that has no exit... but well, now that you're in it, you might as well sit down and look around this room.

All these questions have a common answer - and as intriguing as it may seem in today's world of technology and science, it is actually true that every time we make an advancement in technology, we peek into our ancestral period and borrow a mantra for things we say, we've made!
Our upanishads tell us our gods walked on air, disappeared into nothing and produced weapons with eyes closed. We worship them, of course after all they're gods. But do we understand them? ...I do.

Shraaps, Mantras, Shlokas - all of them were words that had real power. Just like we like to believe certain prayers and as I believe the sound 'Om' has immense power. But of course you know the difference. Half of us pray because 'its the right thing to do', or maybe because 'some day some day god will listen and I'll get the hot seat to KBC3'! And the other half, is probably full of atheists! - they couldn't care less but hey, hold on a minute. This is really not about IDOL WORSHIPS OR EVEN GODS AND GODDESSES. Its about why we pray. And why we feel they're answered or they aren't.

Can i disrupt your thoughts for just a second and take you to my room? You see Ive recently shifted to a great place! Okay, follow me.So this is my room...bed, recliner, pillows, telephone, windows...and yes - those are an untidy mess of sheets - my entrance application basically... but that's okay my sister promised me she'll help me do them.. so am not really worried.
Sounds normal up till here? Does it sound like any other girl/boy you were speaking to? I'm sure it does.

But that's why we pray. Let me explain. Just like every time you and me - we have a problem..be it a small one or something really huge, and someone instills in us the confidence that they would help us solve it, we resort to an inner peace. Serenity. We calm down...mentally. We know it'll all be okay. And it eventually does get OK because you and the helper do it together!

But in life we do not always have these 'helpers' around us ... my parents may not be able to help me with my college assignments, my sister may get married someday and be busy parenting her kids, my friends may get all *itchy and don't help me out! so i get stranded... and like this all of us do. But then we feel desperate and the more important term is HELPLESS.
Even before we think on what can WE do to help ourselves, we start looking around for OTHERS to come and help. Because as soon as problem strikes, almost the very next minute we're convinced that we're in *hit and that we cant solve it alone. So some of us, we try calling this never seen before, never heard before, invincible "ALL MIGHTY" (what we often call her/him) through our prayers. But we humans have lived within a world that functions on identities, names, faces, etc. Ours is a world that DEMANDS logic. A voice from nowhere asking you to be honest would have you go to the doctor, than to a confession box in a church. So when we begin to summon this 'almighty' for our problems, we give it a face , a name and a structure - therefore our idol worship.

But what is this 'almighty' all about? Its YOU. Every time we close our eyes and say 'Dear God', we summon ourselves. Every time we say dear god, be with me - help me pass this, we're telling ourselves - I'm going to do it. You see, it's all about INSTILLING IN FAITH. FAITH IN ONESELF = FAITH IN THE ALMIGHTY. Or else, tell me, how is it really possible to have prayed to 'our god' to help us deal with a meeting with our boss at work, and to have come back confident and successful? When we prayed, were we expecting someone looking like Jim Carry to be there present and bail us out? No. But more than often when we pray and then go deal with our problems, we come out smiling.

And this comes from me - someone who has an invincible faith in god. I believe just like these shlokas and mantras that gave our gods power back then, certain prayers and mantras give US power too. Yes you don't see people citing shlokas and flying... but we may just be moving towards that stage... :) who knows!

Let me come back to where i started from... Recall all the photographs of all your gods and goddesses and you have in religious books, your mandir or any other religious place. Whats common? This round circle (yellow in most) around our god's head - AURA. That is your inner being. Yes back then one could see the other's aura ... his mental state of being - whether he is tense, scheming, scared, happy, ecstatic, lying or even in love. :) And you know what? One can see it today too. Aura is real. You can't fake it. And believe you me, its all said and done with colours. Yes... say if i could read auras and i saw a black , dirty one around you i can BE SURE you're upto something wrong - no matter how good you may have seemed to be till then. But if i see a bright clear one, I'd probably ask you out for a coffee... because that means you're up to something good.

Isn't it really amazing how fascinating these things really are? I mean no matter how advanced we may be scientifically, things like these will always take us back to times when gods walked the earth like you and me. Almost everything was in one's control. Your karma, your life, your death...even the tilted axis on which our earth spins...

If just a beam of light can reflect these twenty years of my life and define me in a single moment of truth and knowledge ..... i wonder...i really wonder if we as humans will EVER be able to unravel the ENIGMATIC world of the gods... or maybe we have already. It's just a matter of knowing when they speak to us...that strange voice that seems to be coming from somewhere inside us? Ever wondered asking it, Who are you?